WAY TOO NICE

Shot by myself

​People pleasing is a personality trait that we all have a hint of in ourselves and sometimes it’s not always a bad thing. The root of this trait may be derived from having: low self-esteem, issues of maltreatment, fear of rejection, fear of failure etc. As a defense mechanism, you carry yourself in a manner to ensure others will like and accept you. Generally this trait is natural as most of us want to please our parents, teachers, friends, professional characters etc. However it becomes a problem when you’ve cultivated the habit to constantly choose to please people even when:

• It is unnecessarily and clearly detrimental to you
• You cannot always fulfill your promises but You cannot say 'no' either
• You might not agree with someone; but because you cannot stand when others feel negatively (emotophobia) towards you, you rather pretend to agree or refrain from challenging opinions
• Someone has offended you, but you would rather suppress your emotions or exhibit passive aggression to conceal that you’re displeased with the offender (you say: ‘it’s okay’, ‘don’t worry ’ very often) - this also results in resentment towards others

This habit is an unhealthy one to hold. You may think you are doing good by being 'too nice' to others but actually you're causing yourself mental strain. This mental strain will become more prominent when you realise that others will not treat you with the same respect or sacrificial behavior you have exhibited, and unfortunately most times you’ll even be neglected by others. This is because you’ve created the notion that it is okay for things not to be about you but solely about those around you so they will accept it; because that is what you have depicted and allowed. In affect, you will open an avenue for people to use you and not feel a thing about it (they should, but most people will not stop or tell you that you're being too nice to them. Instead they'll just accept it). And what you'll find is that people will want to assume you’re happy to do the things you will not say ‘no’ to, and the cycle of self neglect accompanied with resentment to others will continue and deepen. If you recognise yourself as someone who cultivates this habit, I suggest you:

• Be honest with yourself and reflect on why you may be this way
• Evaluate your decisions with your well-being in mind
• Assess your intentions behind your generosity
• Realise that it is okay to be selfish sometimes 
• Say no with empathy but be firm - don't start waffling on about why,  who, what and when because it shows you feel bad and creates an opportunity for you to recant on your decision
• Stop putting so much pressure on yourself for people to like you as this a reason for people not to like you in the first place 
• Identify that this is an addictive habit. It takes much time and effort to stop
• Acknowledge that in the process of changing to being a 'non-pleaser' that helping others does not always have to still be a benefit to you but it must not be a detriment to you either
• Be prepared to feel the emotions you've been hiding from because the people who have benefited from your 'people pleasing' habits may not have a positive response to the change

For more tips see: https://psychcentral.com/lib/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/2/